Maintaining Your Hold on Sanity while Staring at Water

            For some reason, when I thought about what job I wanted to have the summer after I turned sixteen, my only dream was to be a lifeguard. Never mind the fact that I swim at the speed of a really average 4 year old, or that I am terrified of diving.  And I hate getting wet. Oh, also I’m terrible at making common sense decisions. I’m not sure why I wanted to be a lifeguard; maybe because I was caught up in the fantasy of too many summer movies, and I thought that with a whistle in my hand I would suddenly become a powerful, cool and inspiring person. Unfortunately, this was not close to the reality of it. Although I did get to wear an awesome red two-piece, the majority of the job consisted of me trying to stave off extreme boredom. 

            Boredom is one of those disappearing problems that are easy to forget about with age. Remember what it was like to be a child, when the days were excruciatingly long, and whole hours were tortured by the nauseating phrase “there’s nothing to do”? Today, at the first sign of dullness, a distraction is immediately called on to remedy the situation. But as a lifeguard, you are required to sit in the chair for hours with absolutely nothing except your mind to entertain you. The intense tedium of sitting with only your thoughts to keep you company is enough to drive anybody mad. To keep a hold on your sanity, it is important to think out of the box.

            When you first step up into the chair, it initially may seem exciting. “Wow, I’m sitting in a ten foot tall chair!” may run through your head. But this will quickly wear off.  Honestly, from there the most entertaining activity can be enforcing the rules. Incidentally, this is also what you are paid to do.  Just because this is actually a part of the job description, doesn’t mean it can’t be enjoyable. As someone who is not assertive, this is an opportunity to be a different person; the kind of person that enjoys yelling. Also, experiment with it! For instance, I traded in my standard issue Fox 40 Classic for a rape whistle. It provides the highest, shrillest peel I have ever heard. Also, it scares children.

            Even more exciting then the shout can be mastering the glare.  Well-placed glares will not only make the intended target feel extreme discomfort, but it will also shame them into following the rules. One of my favorite instances was when a woman decided that her child was special enough to stay in the pool during adult swim. Instead of yelling at her, I simply lowered my sunglasses and unleashed my best “high school teen who does not get enough to eat” face. Blank stare, no smile, it was awesome. Once your target realizes that you are staring at them don’t waver.  Look for uncomfortable shifting and a general air of discomfort. I can honestly say that this specific glare was one of my biggest accomplishments of the summer; the woman felt so uncomfortable that she left the pool.

            Beyond enforcement, we enter the stage at which we delve into the mind, in a desperate search for an interesting thought. All summer long, I found myself constantly planning out over the top, dramatic essays in my head. Not only is channeling your inner John F. Kennedy fun, but it is also productive. My Harvard application, about the indignities of diversity as a requirement of acceptance is almost finished.

            If you are in a lighter mood it can be fun to really observe and get to know your patrons. Eavesdrop! Become emotionally invested in the conversations of strangers! It doesn’t get better than this; parents drinking in the pool tend to have very exciting conversations.  Or, judging people is also fun. Tweens who think they look cool are one of the most fascinating breeds I have ever encountered. Also, I really enjoy smiling at babies. Not only is it adorable, but also you get some fun conflict when the parents turn around and realize that a random stranger is creepily smiling at their children.

           At last your shift is almost over, and not only have you manipulated the patrons with your impressive use of glaring and shouting, but most importantly you have been entertained. But what if you encounter the dreaded single swimmer; a solitary man in a lap lane, or a child who just can’t take a shower right now because they have to swim until five minuets after the pool has closed. These situations are mind-numbingly annoying. Here is a case of anger boredom. Sometimes the only way to entertain oneself is to twirl your whistle. I personally love whistle twirling. It is so easy to get lost in the beautiful arcs and spins as my neon pink whistle flies through the air. But sometimes it is just too easy to get lost in the beauty and your whistle flies away from you, literally. Into the head of a swimmer. Which actually happened to me.

            A simpler alternative to whistle twirling is to drop things into the pool. Flip-flops, sunglasses, and especially my whistle have all gone in.  Even better than the dropping is the aftermath, where one can a. stare at a youth until they feel compelled to pick it up for you, or b. add some spice into your sit by retrieving the item while your manager isn’t looking. This game often begs the question, which can be the topic of thought for an entire sit, what the heck a fisherman’s crook is for. The only time I have ever seen it used is on an episode of Criminal Minds where they drowned someone with it.  Thus, it is obviously a very important tool in the pool’s safety arsenal.

            Sometimes though, it is just not your day.  The sun is beating and there is no brainpower left to entertain you with. At times like this, it is better to just sit back and realize how amazing and iconic you look in ray bans. Or how blonde you are getting.

            By now, I hope to God, the shift is over.  But this is just one shift, one out of the endless days of work. And congratulations, you have made $36.50 in five hours. This will pay for the gas it has taken to get to work. But the day has not been lost, because you have triumphed over boredom. It tried to take you down, submit you to its incessant staring off into space, its addictive watching of the clock, but you have won. Somehow, you have entertained yourself for hours using only your mind. Free of distraction, the mind is an awe-inspiring machine of inspiration. That is, if you let it do its job. The next time you feel a wave of boredom coming on, and you reach out for the safety of a familiar distraction: a book, a laptop, a phone, try something revolutionary. Reach for your mind.