This
summer I finally felt what cool is. Cruising in my car, flying down the
highway, windows down, and music up I was invincible. Whipping around turns,
foot on the accelerator, I felt so free.
Honestly, before I ever drove I don’t think I really identified with being
a teenager. I have never wanted to party, or vandalize things, or cause the
havoc that we are defined for. But, behind the wheel, I finally had this
feeling. Of course I knew that it was dangerous to drive fast, but it was too
much fun. The consequences didn’t matter, because I am young and unstoppable,
and nothing bad can happen to me.
Of
course, this feeling is stoppable. It stops with a screeching of tires, and in
a flash it is gone. The day it left was a strange day; the sky was almost
tinged with green. It was the kind of weather that features prominently in Steven
King novels. The sky would be a dead giveaway for a reader, who would be bored
by the obvious giveaway that something bad was about to happen.
That
day I had shown up to guard, and as I walked in the air was hot, humid, and
calm, the kind of quiet right before a massive storm. Ten minuets after I had
gotten there the wind started whipping, kicking and swirling up leaves. My
manager Ellen called me in, “ Rachel, we don’t need anymore lifeguards today.
Is it ok if you go home?”
“
I guess that’s fine,” I grudgingly replied, annoyed that I had wasted 20 minutes
driving over and would have to go all the way home with out getting paid. I got
into the car, slamming the door and pulled out. Light rain sprinkled on my
windshield, the light drops before a monsoon.
As
I came sailing down the hill, about to get on to the highway, I felt a sudden
jerking. Before I knew what was happening, I was headed straight into the curb
45 miles an hour. Without thinking, without remembering everything that they
had ever told me at driving school, I spun the wheel as hard as I could. Unfortunately
this was the wrong decision. My car lurched again, and I was now pointed
directly at the oncoming lane, and in that moment time stood still.
The
seconds felt like hours. I looked across from me, at where I was about to crash
into, and saw the huge truck coming up the hill. My mind was in overdrive; I
was completely out of control. I have never been in such a powerless position. All I could think about is what would happen
next. Waking up in a strange hospital bed, not knowing where I was. I tried to
pull the wheel back but nothing happened, my car could not be controlled. I was
flying across the lane, approaching the other side, at the yellow line, across
it, and suddenly, just as harshly as the car had moved before, it switched
directions again, not a second too soon.
The
car fishtailed back and forth until it finally straightened out 100s of feet
from where I started. When at last I regained control I had no idea what to do.
I was alone, and I had almost just crashed, but just as easily, I was fine and
completely ok. My entire body went numb as I realized how close I had escaped.
I was in a panic attack, and I could barely move my foot, but I had to keep
going. Outside the storm had finally come. It rained in a torrential downpour,
and I could barely make out the cars in front of me. I wanted so badly to pull over, to stop until
I could retain control, but I knew that I couldn’t get stuck in the storm. So I
went home.
In
a moment, as I stared into the vehicle I was about to hit, out of control and
knowing my destiny, my perspective changed. It stopped being “cool” to speed
and ignore the rules. I am young but I am not invincible. I had looked into the
eyes of what I thought was impossible, and seen that it was a very real thing.
Failure, death and a car crash are all very real things that can happen. Being
a teen does not stop me from that, it only filled me with false confidence that
I am indestructible. My identity as a teenager, that there are no consequences
was a lie. I had stared down destruction, and saw just how true it is, and just
how stupid I am.
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